Cilice

today's musical inclination: Eraserheads - Ang Huling El Bimbo
-"At lumipas ang maraming taon
'Di na tayo nagkita
Balita ko'y may anak ka na
Ngunit walang asawa
Taga-hugas ka raw ng pinggan sa may Ermita
At isang gabi nasagasaan sa isang madilim na eskinita
Lahat ng pangarap ko'y bigla lang natunaw
Sa panaginip na lang pala kita maisasayaw..."
-Not just for tonight, but for the last few nights at that. I can't get this song outta my head.
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October nights in the Philippines often come with rain showers, as is the case for tonight. Before, this was always a good thing. I have always loved the rain. I remember once back in high school when I had to commute on my way home. Right outside the door to our condo I got stuck in this monster shower. I just stood their, keys in hand, listening to the raindrops beat down on me. It was nice, now that I think about it. In a weird, almost surreal way, I had enjoyed every second of it.

Now the rain evokes mixed emotions. A part of me will always love the way the rain seems to wash everything clean when it bears down on this world, but lately, it's also been a little sad. I've never been the type who gets depressed when it rains. If anything, it used to cheer me up. Then again, not a whole lot cheers me up these days.

It's probably nothing really. Maybe I'm just bored, and as is often the case, this leads to depression.

But sometimes I can't help but entertain the thoughts. This is my life, and in comparison to everyone else I know, it sucks. Self-mutilation seems feasible, logically speaking. I am imperfect, thus something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me because I have done something wrong. Those who commit wrongdoings must be punished, and therefore I must be punished. It's not anyone else's business to do so for me, so I must do so myself. I am totally screwed.

That's the twisted side of me thinking. I guess I try to fight it... sometimes I'd rather not. It gets exhausting. I'm so tired of waging war against myself. I'm just thinking, hey, maybe it wouldn't be so bad you know? Succumb to these... things. Whatever. Act on impulse. Ride the winds of fate and see where I land. I could end up worse off but at least I tried something.

Nah... I have too much time on my hands. That's all there is to it.
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Completely wrong thought of the day: I have this idea for a reality show. We could get like a bunch of people to sign-up at peyups.com and basically, you know, do member stuff. They try to send artiks and make new threads and generally interact, either pissing people off or making lots of new acquaintances. Every week, a panel of judges will check how each person is doing, say, by number of artiks, mem status, PMs, comments, acquaintances, overall impact etc. The person who has the lowest "rating" amongst all these categories gets fired... by Eddie Gil. And he does that three-finger spin thing that Trump used to do on The Apprentice. The winner gets to stay as a columnist, and... that's all I got for now. I don't even have a title. Obviously, it'll take up to maybe more than a year to complete, since a single artik takes a couple of months on average before it gets published. And also, the show is completed before it is aired and it gets no publicity whatsoever, so, you know, so the peyups peeps have no idea they are amongst would-be stars... or would-be popularity whores. Same difference. Take your pick.